Yes, I’ve moved. But i still have xanga. I just think I like tumblr a bit better, most of my youth are on there.

so follow me http://hollyrae83.tumblr.com/

oh- and here’s my latest blog..

ugggggggggggh. ok.

lets see. where to begin. ok- there’s this boy that i’ve recently met. except.. we havn’t actually met.. physically. I met him through one of those stupid online dating sites b/c allllll of my friends are on there. So I figured I’d give it a go. Anyway- he emailed me.. b/c i NEVER email the boys. if they wanna talk to me.. they can im me or email me or whatever. He’s nice. handsome, 31 and 3 years shy of becoming a lawyer. He loves Jesus but hates overly organized religious churches. He’s not found one he likes in gainsville yet. ANYWAY- so we’ve been talking for about 2 weeks now and he’s really nice, makes me laugh. makes me think and charming. not overly flirtatious but sweet. today- in one swift movement i blew it. i think. i dont know. and i’m coming here b/c i’m too chicken shit to talk to my friends about it b/c i don’t want to seem like a silly highschool girl. i like him. it seems alot. and i’m trying desperately to find the balance of vulnerability and guarding my heart but it seems i cant. i’m one extreme or the other. i’m so confused. i’m either throwing my heart at the guy or i’ve got a wall up bigger larger than mt everest. i don’t know how to trust. THANK YOU TODD. and i don’t know how to just let him pursue me.. or let it happen casually.

soooo the other night he called me a word i’ve heard before but wasn’t sure of the meaning.. the word is Bia. at first i just laughed and was like.. omg did you seriously just call me that.. we laughed and that was that. then.. he called me it again last night before we went to bed. and it started to play with my head. what does it mean. so i began to look it up. the only defination i could find was bitch. and i though wait.. WHAT?! so i go into work exhausted cause i’m up half the night talking my self down and saying simmer it hollyrae.. it’s not what it means. i ask the girl at work and she’s like i dont know. and one of my customers was like it’s good. and she said it so matter of fact but she didn’t tell me what it means. so then- i ask my sister and she proceeds to text her puerto rican friend to ask- and her response was it’s a term of endearment, unless used in an angry tone. so at this point i’d had enough. so i text him. this is how the conversation went..

me- what does Bia mean?
him- lol.. for real?
me- well i thought i knew but then this girl at work said it meant something totally different. so i’m putting the pride aside and asking.

him-what do you think it means and what did she say?
me-i dont know. will you just tell me?
him- just tell me what you thought first!
me- well i’ve heard people call others that and thought it was like friend. but the girl at work said it means bitch or insult.
him-well you’re both right. technically it means bitch but not in an insulting or negative way. really it doesn’t mean bitch anymore thats just where it began. it’s more like saying girl so yah like friend.

the whole thing just literally left me speechless. and it kinda makes me wanna throw my hands up in the air and walk away. before i get in too deep. before i have a chance to be too vulnerable- which its kinda already too late. and i .. damnit. i just.

i just dont want to get hurt.

again.

that’s the only way i can describe it. i don’t want to hurt your feelings. but while you tell me your AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING news.. does it make me a bad person.. that i’m sitting in front of you trying to hold back tears. fighting them with every fiber of my being. while i congratulate you, and ask you questions.. i’m sitting here… wishing it was me. no- i wish you no ill will. and i truely am happy for you. but a little piece of me doesn’t want to hear it. b/c i’m forcing myself not to be sick to my stomache. i truely am happy for you. all 4 of you. you’ve found *HIM* . call it jealousy, call it envy, call it whatever you want. it’s not hate. it’s saddness on my part. it’s “i was so close- so fucking close and he ruined it for me” i will fly to your country, i will make the roadtrip, i will fly to my destination. i will put on the dress. i will do my part. i will sit there and pray over you and him and lift up thanksgiving that someone so dear to me has met their match. i will go off on random thought’s of your futures and dreams and hopes. i will dream with you. i will be honest and tell you “no, i think that’s a stupid name.. ” or..”yes that suits you quite well” i will help you pick your songs, and colours and by process of illimination, i will help you decide which honeymoon destination is perfect. i will no longer call you by your maiden name but will change it to your NEW last name in my phone so i remember what it is. i’m sorry, i’m a bit forgetful at times. months after this change happens, i will meet with you for coffee or wine and ask you “how’s married life” and i will be there to lend an ear. i will do all of this.

but please, understand and don’t be offended when i get quiet and need to walk away for moment.
i sincerely do not wish to take the spotlight away from you. i simply wish to avoid seeming selfish and unkind.
i want to compose myself and pray for the strength b/c i truely do not believe i’m a bad person.

i just want the same thing.

How’s it going? I’ve had a good week. CRAZY but good. Exactly one week ago today I saw my FAVORITE band in the whole of the Christian music world- Needtobreathe. It was a concert i’ve been waiting to see for 3 years and it was worth the wait.

Not only was it one of the best concerts i’ve been to.. it was one of the best nights of my life. I can’t explain what happened. The bonding between my sweet friend Jessica.. Jennifer and I was amazing. The laughs.. the talks.. the smiles. Hearing a song live can also make you better understand the singer/songwriter is trying to tell you. They sing a song called “The Outsiders” here.. let me educate you.. not all of the lyrics.. but a few lines worth looking at closer.. sooo yah.

Shortfalls of little sins

Close calls and no one wins

Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin


Oh, why are we keeping score?

Cause if you’re not laughing,

Who is laughing now?

I’ve been wondering

If we stop sinking

Could we stand our ground?

And through everything we’ve learned

We’ve finally come to terms,

We are the outsiders.

sooo yah. Outsider.. Webster defines Outsider as a person not belonging to a particular group.. and a contender not expected to win. interesting huh? when you read the lyrics.. and define the word. So as I listened to the lyrics.. As I really took a good look at my life.. i realized something. I’m a total outsider. I do not conform to “secular” “worldy” ways.. NOR do i conform to the sterotypical “christian” ways. While I was living in England, I had a few people tell me.. “you’re not like what we thought american christian girls are” and when I asked them to tell me what they though american christian girls are like.. they sold me a image of Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember. Kacki skirts, cardigans.. no make up.. no piercings.. NO tattoos.. she does not drink, nor smoke. she does not curse and definatly does not flirt with boys.. basically a cookie cutter christian. I had to laugh. and then I had to help them understand that I was not your “sterotypical” christian girl. I have opinons. I think for myself. I like tattoos and piercings and having a beer on a friday night listening to some great live music. When I told them I used to be a bartender.. they about fell out of their chair. And that’s when it occured to me. I’m an outsider to the religious too! AND I should be! Jesus doesn’t want me to be RELIGIOUS. He doesn’t want me to adheir to rules and customs b/c it’s what demanded of me. God wants me to love Him. and LOVE his people. God wants me to be REAL. RAW. He doesn’t want me to conform to please him. I-

sorry. off the soapbox.
anyway, sooo I got my tattoo

 

It’s pretty i think.. And to pay tribute to my boy’s Needtobreathe, I have a red outline of the “O”.

anyway- so thats my new tattoo story

Hmm, so it’s literally been OVER  a year since i even saw you Dearest Xanga. (lol) I speak to you as if 1. we’re past lovers, 2. you’re a person 3. you can actually read this.
I should mention that it’s 5:45 in the AM and i’ve not quite myself. As i have not slept. Or rather, I’m a raw version of myself? hmm. Too early to ponder such depths of my mind and soul. ::sigh::

I just figured i’d revisit you old friend.. Perhaps I will make our visits an active part of my life once more. Maybe I’ll confide in you, like I once did. Conveying all of my darkest and deepest secrets, my captivating schemes and otherwise boring life.

Until then, Dearest Xanga, I shall bid thee Fairwell.
I’m going to bed. g’nite

well.. that is a disney virgin..and im speaking of Kristin Overzet. Wednesday the lovely and much adore kristin will grace jacksonville florida once more and we’re heading straight down to O-Town to celebrate my 25th birthday. Disney on Thursday, Seaworld on Friday and A Night of Mayhem on Saturday..

its going to be glorious and memorable.

(hollyrae & kristin, spring break 08

does anyone ever read these anymore.. or anyone elses for that matter? its 3:40 am and all i can think of is how heartbreaking people are. men, women, boys girls.. parents mentors.. pastors. bartenders.. i mean.. they are all human but with a given title. for instance my title is daughter to my mother. and so forth.

people suck. since the honor academy.. i’ve had the joy and pain of having 6 close girlfriends in jacksonville. 1 which.. well, she was a trial and error kind of friend. Lora- basically we met when her boyfriend deployed and then became super close.. and when her man got back from deployment she basically treated me as if i was never alive. got married and moved on. whatever.

then 3 of them L. N. and A. . i’d say the 3 that really helped me grow back into the Lord and love Him and we always went everywhere together. church.. movies.. there were times i’d remember getting at call at 2 am and rushing to her house w/ chocolate and tissues. or sitting outside starbucks while we all laugh.. and cry.. and talk about God. basically it boiled down to 2 of them got married w/in 6 months time and had babies.. both- b/c they got pregnant out of wedlock. and then.. life moves on. now wait. before you think. .”oh hollyrae, life changes after marriage” i understand that. but do you think its right to go months w/out as much as a phone call.. or email.. especially when i was the one sitting on your porch at 2am telling you its going to be ok. God is in control and He does love you..  i get it. friends are of seasons.. right.. but im begining to notice a pattern here.. the one who didnt get married was off in her own world and began hanging out w/ people who i didnt really want to associate myself with. we still talk now and then.. and get coffee.. but thats the extent of our relationship.

then there was S. God love her she’s been through hell and back. and i understand that.. but.. well.. im not gonna say anymore about it other than once again.. i played the loyality card like a freaking dog.. and in the end.. well.. it hasnt “ended” so to say.. but she’s pretty much made it very clear that our friendship doesnt mean crap to her. she’s got other new and important things going on in her life. i wish her nothing but the best.. but after all this time has passed.. when she finally contact me again i honestly felt as if i had nothing to say to her.. soo.. ceste la vie.

anyway- i guess what im saying is.. im just really tired of being shitted on. im really tired of being that loyal, “i dont care what time of the morning it is.. call me” …or.. “im coming over… with the chocolates.. and my bible, dont worry.. we’ll get through this”  i guess im just frustrated.. b/c the only person in my life.. even out of all the HA people (wait. side note: H.A. relationships are a joke. honestly? i’ve never been more hurt or more judged by some of the people in my class.. you think your better? you think you’ve got your act together just b/c – no.. im not going there. i’ll leave it at that. sure.. i’ve had 5 girlfriends come out of the HA that lasted.. but everything else was a joke. ) out of everyone i know.. theres only one person who asks me how my day was. or.. “hey hows your brother.. i care about him b/c he’s your brother and i know how much he means to you” the only person i can call at 3 am bawling my face off to the point that under my eyes are raw b/c of the swiping of tears. and for her.. i am thankful above all measure. and i am truely blessed and i love her more than some of my family. but there is one downfall to our relationship. i cant go to her house when she needs me. i cant meet her for coffee on saturday night.. i cant hug her and laugh with her and go for midnight walks on the beach.. distance is a bitch.

but its sad to think- when i call someone i think i can count on.. and they reply with.  “oh hollyrae.. you’ve got tons of friends”.. thats backwards.. alot of people have me as a friend. but theres not many .. i can pour my soul to anymore. and this.. saddens me.

When my dreams are over and my feet hit the floor…
Is my will enough to move on?