December 13, 2008
-
does anyone ever read these anymore.. or anyone elses for that matter? its 3:40 am and all i can think of is how heartbreaking people are. men, women, boys girls.. parents mentors.. pastors. bartenders.. i mean.. they are all human but with a given title. for instance my title is daughter to my mother. and so forth.
people suck. since the honor academy.. i’ve had the joy and pain of having 6 close girlfriends in jacksonville. 1 which.. well, she was a trial and error kind of friend. Lora- basically we met when her boyfriend deployed and then became super close.. and when her man got back from deployment she basically treated me as if i was never alive. got married and moved on. whatever.
then 3 of them L. N. and A. . i’d say the 3 that really helped me grow back into the Lord and love Him and we always went everywhere together. church.. movies.. there were times i’d remember getting at call at 2 am and rushing to her house w/ chocolate and tissues. or sitting outside starbucks while we all laugh.. and cry.. and talk about God. basically it boiled down to 2 of them got married w/in 6 months time and had babies.. both- b/c they got pregnant out of wedlock. and then.. life moves on. now wait. before you think. .”oh hollyrae, life changes after marriage” i understand that. but do you think its right to go months w/out as much as a phone call.. or email.. especially when i was the one sitting on your porch at 2am telling you its going to be ok. God is in control and He does love you.. i get it. friends are of seasons.. right.. but im begining to notice a pattern here.. the one who didnt get married was off in her own world and began hanging out w/ people who i didnt really want to associate myself with. we still talk now and then.. and get coffee.. but thats the extent of our relationship.
then there was S. God love her she’s been through hell and back. and i understand that.. but.. well.. im not gonna say anymore about it other than once again.. i played the loyality card like a freaking dog.. and in the end.. well.. it hasnt “ended” so to say.. but she’s pretty much made it very clear that our friendship doesnt mean crap to her. she’s got other new and important things going on in her life. i wish her nothing but the best.. but after all this time has passed.. when she finally contact me again i honestly felt as if i had nothing to say to her.. soo.. ceste la vie.
anyway- i guess what im saying is.. im just really tired of being shitted on. im really tired of being that loyal, “i dont care what time of the morning it is.. call me” …or.. “im coming over… with the chocolates.. and my bible, dont worry.. we’ll get through this” i guess im just frustrated.. b/c the only person in my life.. even out of all the HA people (wait. side note: H.A. relationships are a joke. honestly? i’ve never been more hurt or more judged by some of the people in my class.. you think your better? you think you’ve got your act together just b/c – no.. im not going there. i’ll leave it at that. sure.. i’ve had 5 girlfriends come out of the HA that lasted.. but everything else was a joke. ) out of everyone i know.. theres only one person who asks me how my day was. or.. “hey hows your brother.. i care about him b/c he’s your brother and i know how much he means to you” the only person i can call at 3 am bawling my face off to the point that under my eyes are raw b/c of the swiping of tears. and for her.. i am thankful above all measure. and i am truely blessed and i love her more than some of my family. but there is one downfall to our relationship. i cant go to her house when she needs me. i cant meet her for coffee on saturday night.. i cant hug her and laugh with her and go for midnight walks on the beach.. distance is a bitch.
but its sad to think- when i call someone i think i can count on.. and they reply with. “oh hollyrae.. you’ve got tons of friends”.. thats backwards.. alot of people have me as a friend. but theres not many .. i can pour my soul to anymore. and this.. saddens me.
Comments (9)
but. your #2 dad is ALLways here.. loving and praying..
remember to pray ALL ways…
i feel you, girl. really do.
one of my best friends in the world got married a while back to a real asshole.
ever since they got engaged, everything has changed with she & i’s relationship.
and it sucks. and i just want things to be back to the way they were. really.
and i agree about h.a. relationships, for the most part.
i’ve got probably 8 people who are still in my life regularly.
i can relate. i tried to keep in touch with the friends made at HA and it was like it was a one way street and eventually i gave up on most of them. i felt like they were saying, “yeah, i was only friends with you because we were stuck in the same place together and i had to be nice to you.” even after being married i tried to keep those friendships. it’s so frustrating. i didn’t know you that well at HA…i kind of feel like i know you more now through blogging.
i know were not “friends” but you have been there a time a two for me to chat with about my dad…thanks for that.
I know what you mean…I’ve had a few close friends since I moved to VA but most of them have moved on…marriage, babies etc…and I don’t really even talk to anyone from the HA. Like Brittney said…it was a one way street and I gave up. I “know” more people through blogging even though I don’t blog a lot. I do appreciate the times we had doing all the summer volunteers stuff. Anyways…I said all that because I know how you feel. I hope your doing well and I’m happy for you about your trip to London.
Hey Holly,
I don’t know you very well…but I just want you to know you’re alone. There have been a few times that I needed a friend and picked up the phone and couldn’t think of anyone to dial. I’m sorry for your frustration for what it’s worth. Hope you are doing well.
Jenny
@SharingHisWord - Brittany, i know exactly what you mean. and as for not knowing each other at the HA.. i actually kinda find it refreshing that we didnt know each other there and yet we can still talk.. and relate.. and draw from one another in times of need b/c we have that common factor in our life. i wish we did know each other better.. and even though we’re not “friends” .. we are.. in that weird way.
and its all good! I hope you and you husband a precious little one have a very very merry Christmas!
marisa, i have nothing but great memories with you.. remember the many movies we saw together that summer.. lol gooood times. you honestly helped shape me to, in which i have great respect for you.
i think bill is a studd and congrats on your relationship with him 
merry christmas my dear!
thank you so much jenny. you’ve always been sooo sweet and caring.
i could always find you up in the hall just being a friend to someone.. anyone.. i hope you’ve found your “person” to call when you need it. and if not, i pray you will. merry christmas babe!
HOLLYRAE YOU MAKE MY DAY…………