ugggggggggggh. ok.

lets see. where to begin. ok- there’s this boy that i’ve recently met. except.. we havn’t actually met.. physically. I met him through one of those stupid online dating sites b/c allllll of my friends are on there. So I figured I’d give it a go. Anyway- he emailed me.. b/c i NEVER email the boys. if they wanna talk to me.. they can im me or email me or whatever. He’s nice. handsome, 31 and 3 years shy of becoming a lawyer. He loves Jesus but hates overly organized religious churches. He’s not found one he likes in gainsville yet. ANYWAY- so we’ve been talking for about 2 weeks now and he’s really nice, makes me laugh. makes me think and charming. not overly flirtatious but sweet. today- in one swift movement i blew it. i think. i dont know. and i’m coming here b/c i’m too chicken shit to talk to my friends about it b/c i don’t want to seem like a silly highschool girl. i like him. it seems alot. and i’m trying desperately to find the balance of vulnerability and guarding my heart but it seems i cant. i’m one extreme or the other. i’m so confused. i’m either throwing my heart at the guy or i’ve got a wall up bigger larger than mt everest. i don’t know how to trust. THANK YOU TODD. and i don’t know how to just let him pursue me.. or let it happen casually.

soooo the other night he called me a word i’ve heard before but wasn’t sure of the meaning.. the word is Bia. at first i just laughed and was like.. omg did you seriously just call me that.. we laughed and that was that. then.. he called me it again last night before we went to bed. and it started to play with my head. what does it mean. so i began to look it up. the only defination i could find was bitch. and i though wait.. WHAT?! so i go into work exhausted cause i’m up half the night talking my self down and saying simmer it hollyrae.. it’s not what it means. i ask the girl at work and she’s like i dont know. and one of my customers was like it’s good. and she said it so matter of fact but she didn’t tell me what it means. so then- i ask my sister and she proceeds to text her puerto rican friend to ask- and her response was it’s a term of endearment, unless used in an angry tone. so at this point i’d had enough. so i text him. this is how the conversation went..

me- what does Bia mean?
him- lol.. for real?
me- well i thought i knew but then this girl at work said it meant something totally different. so i’m putting the pride aside and asking.

him-what do you think it means and what did she say?
me-i dont know. will you just tell me?
him- just tell me what you thought first!
me- well i’ve heard people call others that and thought it was like friend. but the girl at work said it means bitch or insult.
him-well you’re both right. technically it means bitch but not in an insulting or negative way. really it doesn’t mean bitch anymore thats just where it began. it’s more like saying girl so yah like friend.

the whole thing just literally left me speechless. and it kinda makes me wanna throw my hands up in the air and walk away. before i get in too deep. before i have a chance to be too vulnerable- which its kinda already too late. and i .. damnit. i just.

i just dont want to get hurt.

again.

that’s the only way i can describe it. i don’t want to hurt your feelings. but while you tell me your AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING news.. does it make me a bad person.. that i’m sitting in front of you trying to hold back tears. fighting them with every fiber of my being. while i congratulate you, and ask you questions.. i’m sitting here… wishing it was me. no- i wish you no ill will. and i truely am happy for you. but a little piece of me doesn’t want to hear it. b/c i’m forcing myself not to be sick to my stomache. i truely am happy for you. all 4 of you. you’ve found *HIM* . call it jealousy, call it envy, call it whatever you want. it’s not hate. it’s saddness on my part. it’s “i was so close- so fucking close and he ruined it for me” i will fly to your country, i will make the roadtrip, i will fly to my destination. i will put on the dress. i will do my part. i will sit there and pray over you and him and lift up thanksgiving that someone so dear to me has met their match. i will go off on random thought’s of your futures and dreams and hopes. i will dream with you. i will be honest and tell you “no, i think that’s a stupid name.. ” or..”yes that suits you quite well” i will help you pick your songs, and colours and by process of illimination, i will help you decide which honeymoon destination is perfect. i will no longer call you by your maiden name but will change it to your NEW last name in my phone so i remember what it is. i’m sorry, i’m a bit forgetful at times. months after this change happens, i will meet with you for coffee or wine and ask you “how’s married life” and i will be there to lend an ear. i will do all of this.

but please, understand and don’t be offended when i get quiet and need to walk away for moment.
i sincerely do not wish to take the spotlight away from you. i simply wish to avoid seeming selfish and unkind.
i want to compose myself and pray for the strength b/c i truely do not believe i’m a bad person.

i just want the same thing.