July 25, 2010
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my heart is in conflict-
that’s the only way i can describe it. i don’t want to hurt your feelings. but while you tell me your AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING news.. does it make me a bad person.. that i’m sitting in front of you trying to hold back tears. fighting them with every fiber of my being. while i congratulate you, and ask you questions.. i’m sitting here… wishing it was me. no- i wish you no ill will. and i truely am happy for you. but a little piece of me doesn’t want to hear it. b/c i’m forcing myself not to be sick to my stomache. i truely am happy for you. all 4 of you. you’ve found *HIM* . call it jealousy, call it envy, call it whatever you want. it’s not hate. it’s saddness on my part. it’s “i was so close- so fucking close and he ruined it for me” i will fly to your country, i will make the roadtrip, i will fly to my destination. i will put on the dress. i will do my part. i will sit there and pray over you and him and lift up thanksgiving that someone so dear to me has met their match. i will go off on random thought’s of your futures and dreams and hopes. i will dream with you. i will be honest and tell you “no, i think that’s a stupid name.. ” or..”yes that suits you quite well” i will help you pick your songs, and colours and by process of illimination, i will help you decide which honeymoon destination is perfect. i will no longer call you by your maiden name but will change it to your NEW last name in my phone so i remember what it is. i’m sorry, i’m a bit forgetful at times. months after this change happens, i will meet with you for coffee or wine and ask you “how’s married life” and i will be there to lend an ear. i will do all of this.
but please, understand and don’t be offended when i get quiet and need to walk away for moment.
i sincerely do not wish to take the spotlight away from you. i simply wish to avoid seeming selfish and unkind.
i want to compose myself and pray for the strength b/c i truely do not believe i’m a bad person.i just want the same thing.
Comments (3)
And you are perfectly justified for feeling that way! It’s so good that you know what you’re feeling and acknowledge that. There is nothing wrong with this. Your time WILL come too. I’m not sure when, and I don’t know know who is…. but hold on to hope that your time will come.
)
thank you Bridget, that means alot.
you are so blessed indeed, and you yourself are a blessing. tell aaron i said hello.
by the way, i was admiring your beautiful children. congrats on your son, he’s handsome
it will happen TOGETHER for us..
best friends from beginning to end
we will share in relationships
heart aches
marriage
kids [I will adopt the older teenagers and they can baby sit your little babies while we go out to the beach]
men can hurt us ONLY for a day each..
that’s all we get to sit around and be sad over them
we have a blessed friendship that some man will have to be human perfection to be able to hold my OTHER hand through this crazy path life has chosen for me..
a man who listens
without judgement
offers advice
without trying to take away your control
loves just as much as you love
knows when words are right
and when you just need a shoulder to cry
someone who will make BEAUTIFUL babies with you
and ONLY you!!
I’m glad you shared how you really feel,
there’s no use trying to feel differently
i love you.
f.o.r.e.v.e.r