ok ok.. let me update and fix this.
to simply state it.. i saw this as a bumber sticker on a car going down the road.
along side of it was an icthus magnet. now…
Coexist.
what does that word mean?
what do the symbols represent?
would you be offended ?
would you disagree with it?
would you agree with it??
would you put this sticker on your car for the world to see?
Why? or.. Why Not?
why is it.. i know in my head.. i know i know i know.. i really do.. i know in my head. but why is it that i can literally know in my head.. but my heart is still running back to you?
i remember the pain.. the tears.. the confrontation.. the fights… the arguements..
i remember the not eating.. the crying myself to sleep.. i remember the final blow to my heart..
i remember starting the healing process.. i remember.. it took me almost 2 years to get over you. to forgive you.. to accept that you were no longer going to be apart of my life.. to accept that God had bigger things for me.. better things.. i’ve cried more tears over you than probably any woman i know.. and yet in my head i know your all wrong.. but my heart.. it still longs for you.. it still wonders.. and replays the memories.. my tears still flow..
and then you email me …
“i started thinkin of you again. and wondering…. then i got you out of my head and start to make plans, and here you are again, beautiful as ever.”
“we will always be the type of friends that can call on each other, but i still have pretty strong feelings for you.”
“i love you hollyrae, and i will always love you.”
what am i supposed to do with this? my head.. my brain my mind .. in my head i know your all wrong.. but my heart still desires.. my heart still leaps into my chest and i loose my breath and i get butterflys in my stomache and my hands start to shake. what have you done to me? i’ve tried to date. i’ve tried to get close to other guys.. you warped me. i’ll never be the same.. and now.. even when i thought i was begining to get my crap together.. you happen. and once again im at a loss.. i dont know what to do. i didnt think i could cry anymore tears.. but damnit todd.. i was wrong.
gosh i need to get out of this funk. sometimes i feel like im borderline depression but i know thats not the case. at least i hope not. i mean.. i just get in these zones.. im sad. and for no real reason. sure things could be better in my life at those moments.. but nothing to truely be sad about… and then i turn to my comfort foods at 3am stuffing my face and then i feel like shit the next day b/c i just ate a whole bunch of crap. and now im really depressed b/c im “fat” or “ugly” or whatever-
i really need to get out of this though… im trying. well.. sorta.. im not trying hard enough i dont think. other times i think.. “hollyrae.. just shut up and do it.” then i make up excuses for myself. wow. now i sound bi-polar. normally when this stuff happens i cling to music. it makes me feel good.. or at least when i hear the words, it makes me feel like im not alone and i can overcome this. when i was a teen and a little older too i listened to alot of linkin park. then somehow someone put it in my head that they’re evil. i dont think they are. i think they speak from emotions and real life events. i havnt listened to them in a while.. i love their “angry white boy” style of music.. i can scream.. yell.. curse. or cry. whatever. i’ve rediscovered them as of lately.. they make me feel good. i think im gonna buy their cd just so i can crank it up in my car as loud as i want and release. or in their words “i bleed it out digging deeper just to throw it away”
so i’ll leave you with the song thats been my “bleeding” or release song as of lately.
its called shadow of the day. and its brilliant. basically saying.. its ok.. this day is almost over and you will have a new morning. everything is new in the morning. just hold out.. only a few more hours in the day.. its ok.. the sun will set for you.. the sun will set for you and the shadow of the day will embrace the world in grey and the sun will set for you.
I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.
And the sun will set for you the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day, Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you…
In cards and flowers on your window, Your friends all plead for you to stay.
Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.
And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day, Will embrace the world in gray,
And the sun will set for you..
KRISTIN OVERZET!
kristin, when i think of you my heart swells.. my heart smiles when i think of the memories.. and the laughs and tears.. everything from smoking, tequlia, stripp clubs and pregnancy tests to worship, missionaries, not settling for less and bullshit romances i knew.. from the moment i met you we’d be friends till the end. infact, we’d grow to become little old ladies together. i cant thank you enough for the uncorruptable love and friendship you’ve given me. i wish i could be there with you to celebrate your day.. but know this. take it all in. for every phone call.. every im convo, every tear shed i owe you my loyality till the day we die you truly know what it means to be a friend and a sister. i cherish you and love you with all my heart and soul. Happy Birthday.
P.S. remember these?
1130pm
me- “ok yall, im closing. so its last call.. drink up.”
him- “so i found your profile online”
me- “oh really. (giggle) i didnt know you were looking for it”
him- ”yah. after living on a boat with 200 other dudes its kinda nice to see a ladys face”
me- (laughing) ”thats funny. kinda cool and creepy, but funny”
1145pm
me- “Alright yall, if you dont work here.. sleep here or sleep with someone who works here yall gotta get out. so drop your beers the coast is clear”
him- “so you working tomorrow night?”
me- “no they shafted me, im working day tomorrow”
him- “cool. can i bring you lunch?”
me- “depends. what did you have in mind?”
him- “whatever your want.. but i prefer it be good please..”
me- “how about the hala shop. around 1?”
him- “see you at 1 hollyrae”
at which point he walked ot the door…
then no sooner than he walked out.. he walked back in and leaned over the bar to tell me this..
“anyway i know this is going to sound wierd but, i was looking at your pic and stop me if i have told this before but, you are very pretty! like not fix yourself up pretty but, like you dont have to fix yourself up pretty …….. like pretty in the morning. (long pause and he looked down.) i hope you took that the way i meant it.
and then he kissed my cheek and walked out. he’s gonna be my funny valentine i think.
I can’t take it any longer my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can’t waste another minute After all that I’ve put in it
I’ve given you my best Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don’t you stay I’m up off my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely You can’t give me what I need
When she begs you not to go There is one thing you should know
I don’t have to live this way Baby, why don’t you stay, yeah
Happy New Year. 2008 WILL be better than the 2007.
Im claiming it. i need it. i deserve it.
i’ve read on several other peoples xangas, myspace, facebook and all that other stupid internet social network that this year they are focusing on them. I agree. i feel like this year, its time for me. time to better myself, get my self in some kind of control and start living for me. (well and God), but just not everyone else. im tired of getting brushed under the carpet, or dusted off only when people need me or want me. im done. its the year of ME.
as far as this xanga thing is concerned, it is going to be used for my journal. seriously. if you dont like what im writing… dont read it. but i need a place i can be real. i need a place where i can air my dirty laundry if you will. dont comment if you want to tell me your praying for me.. just do it. dont comment if you wish to tell me you love me.. call me and tell me yourself. i mean, i like comments and such.. but im tired of all the bogus bullshit that comes with a social network. typing what the person wants to hear.. or stuff that makes you look good. we’re all guilty of it at one point or another.
so with this, my first xanga entry of the new year i’ve got some goals i’d like to achieve by the end of the year. and im gonna try my hardest to do so.
i want to be excercising again. like.. full out sweating, red-faced, panting workout. at least twice a week. theres this thing here called dance trance. i want to join. basically you learn 2-3 dances a month. and not just like the little dances they do in middle school. like.. proffesional, justin timberlake/ciara kinda stuff. stuff that makes you sweat and feel good. i like shaking my hips so i think im gonna try it. i also want to eat better. i eat pretty good now, but i have been slacking lately. i want to drink only on the weekends. i’ve been doing too much lately. i want to start reading my bible again. every day. at least one chapter. gosh i suck at it. i want to attend church again every week. whether its late night or sunday morning holy crap its early.. i need to again. i want to stop swearing. at least stop dropping the f-bomb. hanging with sailors can be bad for a lady. lol. i also want to become more socialable in more positive enviroments. im pretty shy unless im with someone i know. i want to start reading again. and this year i want to start writing again. i miss the outlet.i miss the adventure that my mind can dream up. im gonna do that for sure. i need to write again. maybe i’ll even go to college to better myself.. but this year.. its about me. and its gonna be great.
i’ll leave you with 2 things.
i “dumped” the guy i was seeing for the last few weeks today. sorta. i basically said this has got to stop. it wasnt right, plus i had this just overwhelming “michael” emotion nagging me since my birthday. i really missed him this holiday, but i think i just missed friendship more than anything. no thats a lie.. anytime a boy is mean to me.. i miss him. anyway.. to help me get past the events of the last few weeks i took myself to a movie, by myself.. i saw P.S. I love you! OH MY GOSH. ok.. ladies, if you go and see this movie.. take tissues. i cried through the whole thing. not just the begining.. not just the end.. the whole thing. like tears streaming down my face.. but.. one min im crying.. and the other im laughing. i really enjoyed it though. the movie has a good lesson to be learned. im still digesting it. but anyway heres the preview for it.
and the other thing i was going to leave you with i couldnt find. ohwell. have a great week everyone! Happy New Year! Shalom!
im trying. really hard here to be happy. to be joyful. and selfless and humble.
but its not working. mom forgot to buy stocking stuffer crap for my stocking. thats what it always it.. crap anyways.. like a candy bar or something stupid. but its perfect for a stocking you know.. so this morning. she got to open her stocking. and her 4 gifts under the tree.
i didnt have a gift under the tree. not that she didnt forget that too, she split the cost of a mattress for me. $150 bucks. and said merry christmas. sure 150 is a good amount. but still..
see this is where im having a hard time. she got me the bed. but nothing else.
she said she ordered another gift it just hasnt arrived yet. but.. everyone elses gifts already arrived, and she ordered them on the same day. like i said.. trying really hard here.. but after i bust my ass to clean her house to perfection. stay up half the night making more f-ing fudge than the keebler elves eat, 2 loads of laundry for the christmas towels and napkins and such, and then 2 loads in the dishwasher.. i dont know. it could have been very nice to open something this morning. i know its Jesus’ birthday, and we’re supposed to celebrate family, but right now.. im having a hard time celebrating my family, b/c they dont appreciate it. and its starting to really hurt.
and it doesnt help either that my birthday sucked. the “duel” party they threw for genie and me.. was not for genie and me.. it was for genie.. had genies name on the cake.. genies candles, sang happy birthday to genie, its not genies fault. i do not fault her at all. mike didnt even show up. he promised me. “the game was on” he said. i said “we had the game on over there” he then said.. “oh, i didnt know that..” which i replied “bullshit mike! we’re a pub! of course we have the freakin game on! not to mention it was the only game on!” people forgot my birthday. people that never should.. except kristin. she gets a pass. but everyone else.. and you know who you are.. you suck.
the only good thing of this week.. my brother bryan came home from deployment.
welcome home bebba. im glad your home safe. love you.
i’ve had.. not a crappy week.. just.. i had alot of hope for this holiday season.. i thought.. maybe this year things will be different.. of course not. oh. you wanna know what i got for my birthday? a 25 gift card for gas. it takes 48 to fill my tank. bombed again. i know i sound like im complaining.. but i am. im tired of coming 2nd place in every area of my life. this is not just a season either. this kind of crap has been happening for months now. and im tired of it. the reason AL and i broke up in the begining.. he called me a beer goggle mistake. fine. i get it.. im not the most beautiful woman in florida. but damn. im at least a little bit cute. it fucking hurts. i’ve cried more this month than the rest of this year. im always the best friend.. the little sister or the beer mistake. im done. i wish michael was still alive. today especially. he always made me feel beautiful and loved and cherished. damnit. i wish he were here. right now. its christmas and i just want to stay in bed and cry all day long.
merry christmas everyone. im going back to bed.
